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Liberation

Feminists are people who believe women are better than men, because they are equally intelligent and equally capable, but much more modest and less demanding.
Once upon a time, a group of feminists went to the Central Park of New York for a demonstration. They were shouting: "We are free; we are free."
A group of (male) stockbrokers from Wall Street were taking their lunchbreak in the Park, and said to each other in worried tones: "The market must be falling very badly." An elderly stockbroker went over to the feminists and advised them: "No matter how bad the market is, do not panic. Never buy at the top; never sell at the bottom."
To avoid similar misunderstandings in the future, the feminists decided to use the word "liberated" instead of "free". So they called their organization Women's Liberation Army.
Unfortunately, an organization in China called the People's Liberation Army, which was predominantly male, objected to the infringement on their trademark. They said that "people" include "women". The feminists however argued otherwise. "People" include also "men", which are bad, while "women" only include "women", which are good. Hence, "women" is better than "people", and their claim should take precedence.
To assert their claims, the feminists raised a Statue of Liberation in Tian An Men Square, a health centre in the heart of Peking famous for its Tai Ji exhibitions. The People's Liberation Army then sent in tanks, which were made of steel. As the Statue of Liberation was made of paper mache (molded wet tissue paper), it disintegrated upon contact with tanks.
Since then there has been no Statue of Liberation in Peking. However, the example inspired feminists everywhere. Similar statues have now been found in Hong Kong, a rocky island off the south coast of China famous for its dogs and dog-eating monsters, and Washington, DC, an American city well known for its white houses and black population.

Deng Xiao Ping's Conversation in Chinese and English

Deng Xiao Ping was the world's leading expert on rodent extermination. As we know, rats steal our food, destroy our furniture and buildings, and spread the plague. This is why good rat exterminators are benefactors of mankind, and rat extermination is a big business.
There are different schools of thought in the field. Deng Xiao Ping believed that a cat of any colour is good for rat extermination, but his great rival, Mao Ze Dong, believed in only using the right coloured cat. This controversy was very harmful to the cause of rodent extermination; it delayed progress for two generations. In addition, Deng Xiao Ping had to contend with millions of Cantonese who like to eat cats, whether black or white, making them unavailable for rodent extermination, and to breed rats for eating, instead of completely exterminating them. The road to success is indeed a hard one.
In USA there is another important figure in the business, Bill Clinton, who lives in a white house with a white cat called Socks. Once he came to visit China. At the banquet, Clinton made a complimentary remark about Deng's beautiful wife and Deng replied "Na Li; Na Li". The translator unfortunately misunderstood and told Clinton "he asked 'where? where?'". Clinton then said "Oh everything about her is beautiful", to which Deng replied modestly "Bu Jian De; Bu Jian De". The unfortunate translator again misunderstood and told Clinton "he said 'cannot see; cannot see'". A puzzled Clinton then said "What? He cannot see? but I can see", and the translator told Deng "he says 'What you cannot see, he can see'" which made Deng furious. That set back China-US cooperation in rat extermination and cat breeding for many years. It also explains why Clinton has such a poor reputation concerning women.
Later Deng decided to visit USA, and sought advice on American life. He was told Asian culture is very popular there; like, even little kids like to play the sitar, and get their parents to give them baby sitars. He also found out that Texas has jack rabbits, and lumber jacks who hate rabbits use a special gun to shoot them. This is called the jack uzi. He was told what personal information, like name, age, marital status, he has to give to immigration officials.
At the airport, the immigration officer wanted to verify his intention to be a genuine tourist, and asked "where are you going in USA?". Deng, thinking that the officer asked for his name, replied "Wo Xing Deng". "What are you doing in Washington?" Deng Xiao Ping thought the officer wanted the rest of the name, and so replied "Xiao Ping". "Oh shopping; how are you going there?" Deng Xiao Ping thought he must want the age, and said "Ba Shi". "After going shopping by bus, what do you plan to do?" Deng then gave his marital status "You Lao Puo". "Oh you are going to Europe after shopping in Washington; good you can enter.."
The immigration officer, responsible and consciencious he might be, never appreciated that Deng's real mission was to promote rodent extermination all over the world. What does a great man like Deng Xiao Ping care about shopping, even in a nice city like Washington? Deng passed away in February 1997, but his ideas live on. Today we all believe that rats must be exterminated, and black or white cats are equally good for this purpose. Even Americans agree that Deng Xiao Ping is one of the most important historical figures of this century.

Who?

Hu Jintao visited Bush at his ranch, and also had a lot of problem getting the Americans to recognize his name, like

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new
leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.

So after he returned, he told his important advisors, Du Fu the poet, Han Yu the essayist, and Confucius the political scientist, to print English namecards with versions of their names that Americans would find easy to recognize: "I am afraid Du Fu sounds like bean curd to foreigners, Han Yu sounds like Hang You, and Confucius is an honorific title for others to use to call you, but not for you to call yourself - Confusing, right?"
After a long discussion, Du Fu adopted the English name Jimmy Du, derived from Du Zimei, a literary alias he regularly used; Han Yu adopted Charlie Han, from Han Changli, an alias derived from his residence; Confucius adopted Johnny Kong, from his literary alias Kong Zhongni. Jimmy, Charlie and Johnny went to visit George's ranch, and Sino-American relations improved greatly since then. It shows the importance of namecalling.
You dont agree? Hu are you?

Conversation with An Intelligent Communist

Recently we commemorated the 150 year anniversary of the publication of "Communication Monitor" by Marx and Spencer. To celebrate this event, we succeeded in getting an interview with Mr Groucho Marx:

We: Mr Marx, 150 years after Communication Monitor, do you see a future for communism?
Marx: Of course; I see the word Monitor on the front pages of newspapers every day lately.
We: Really? but... look: it says Monica not Monitor.
Marx: Really? my eyes are not as good as they were 150 years ago...
We: What was your reaction when the Berlin Wall collapsed?
Marx: All barriers to communication must be removed. But you see Germans still lead the world in engineering: where else would you have walls that stand for 30 years? You know in Singapore, they tear down condos after less than 10 years with these enblock sales...
We: What was the meaning of your slogan "Protocols of the World, Unify!"?
Marx: We were addressing the historical problem of the Tower of Babel. The Tower could not be completed because of the lack of a standard language among the construction crews.
We: It is one thing to have an idea; was there any action to follow through?
Marx: Oh yes. It was taken up by Bill Gates of Microsoft, Bill Joy of Sun Microsystems, and Bill Clinton of Lewinsky Enterprises, who are working towards an object-oriented shared middleware system linking together the financial organizations of the world, to prevent the recurrence of the Asian economic crisis, and sex scandals involving presidents and finance ministers.
We: Looking back on your career, do you feel you made the world a better place?
Marx: Certainly, but the rest of the world is only starting to acknowledge it; last week I was invited to join a club for the first time in my life.
We: but I thought you disapprove of clubs.
Marx: That's right; no club that wants me to be a member could be any good.
We: what are your plans for retirement?
Marx: I need to add to my Capital; just a few days ago, Spencer asked me about opening a department store with him. You know I got some name recognition and advertising value... We plan to have branches in Russia and China. There is this guy Stalin who wants to expand our operation to East Europe.
We: so you are looking forward to the future.
Marx: Indeed I am; a belief in the inevitability of history - that is what scientific socialism is all about...
We: thank you Mr Marx.
Marx: nice talking to you.

Conversation With a Living Buddha

In the interest of press balance, after our interview with the atheist Marx, we talked to one of the well known religious leaders of our time, Mr Li of Fa Lun Gong.

We: let's start with your main thesis, that we can improve our life by breathing exercises.
He: that's obvious; if you stop breathing, you die; if you can breath forever, you live forever; bad breathing gives bad life; good breathing good life.
We: is that why breathing can save us from the end of the world?
He: sure; if the world ends, we all stop breathing; but if breathing continues, then the world has not ended.
We: since the world will end, do you plan to give away all your money?
He: no, but people have been giving money to me.
We: why would a living buddha need money?
He: you can promote many good causes with money.
We: such as?
He: I have started Wan Lo Gong, to help beautiful women of the world find husbands; we guarantee success.
We: now that's impressive; can I join?
He: sorry; members must be below 29 years in age, height between 5'2" and 5'6", and pass a good looks and nice personality test; I dont think you qualify...
We: I also heard about Shou Xing Gong; is that another one of your societies?
He: oh yes; join and you'll live forever.
We: what do members have to do to achieve this, besides breathing forever?
He: eat forever; we have different branches like Tom Yum Gong, Mi Tian Gong and Mo Yum Gong...
We: but Mi Tian Gong? that means in Mandarin... (throws up on the Living Buddha, which brings the interview to an end)

Jurassic Times

Once upon a time, the earth was full of reptiles called dinosaurs. They came in all shapes and sizes, and could walk, crawl, swim and fly, but then became extinct.
An example of the great change, the Tyranosaurus was a giant dinosaur, with a shape like a big lizard. It ate other dinosaurs. Unfortunately, as the dinosaurs disappeared from the earth, tyranosauruses ran out of food, and was forced to downsize. Its descendents, the lizards, live by eating insects.
There are many theories about how dinosaurs went extinct. Some said that it was because dinosaurs had very small brains, about the size of wallnuts, and could not cope with complex new conditions. However, since wallnuts are already bigger than the Pentium CPUs, which are doing quite well, it must have been more than just a question of hardware size; there was some kind of programming problem as well. The extinction of dinosaurs teaches us the importance of good software engineering.
Another theory attributes the disappearance of dinosaurs to cold weather: a giant meteor was believed to have hit the Yucatan region of Mexico and raised a huge dustcloud, preventing sunlight from reaching the earth and causing plants and animals to die from the climate change. I recall someone telling me of seeing headlines in the Jurassic Times: "Coughing Brontosaurus Catching Bronchitis", but I rather doubt newspapers had reports from that far back. I think the Straits Times only has a history of about 100 years.
Millions of years after their extinction, the dinosaurs continue to exercise a hold on our imagination. Cartoons would frequently have dinosaurs as characters and my wife would love to have a dinosaur for a pet. However, as all animals facing extinction become protected specis, you need a license to keep them as pets. This sounded rather troublesome; so we decided to have children instead. Afterwards, we had second thoughts: perhaps dinosaurs would have required less work after all.
So if you see a second hand dinosaur for sale somewhere, do let us know. We shall be interested.

Mummies

Mummies are preserved dead bodies. But unlike ham and bacon, which are preserved parts of dead pigs, mummies are not meant to be eaten. In fact, they are sacred and should be treated with respect. Some people even believe that mummies have divine power. Only the most important Egyptians got preserved when their spirits passed to the netherworld, hoping that they could return and resume life one day with their old bodies - ancient Egyptians believed in recycling.
Mummies are buried in pyramids with jewelry and other expensive objects, including gold coffins which are unfortunately cold, hard and not very comfortable to lie in. No wonder the mummies would prefer to return to life and come out of the pyramids. Then they can lie on much softer beds of roses and feather.
To produce a mummy, you have to soak the body in preservative chemicals and bandage it all over with long reams of cloth. This makes it difficult to move or talk, and mummies are known to keep mum. I guess that is why they are called mummies. In some cartoons like Tintin, mummies manage to run at high speed and chase frightened people all over the place, but in the end the people always win the race. I think it is because the flesh and bones of the mummies tend to be old, dry and hard, making long distance running impractical. It is hard to teach old mummies new tricks.
Every year in May, there is a mummy day on which you are supposed to give presents to your mummy and wish her happiness. Be very careful however when you kiss your mummy; you can catch Egyptian flu from her - some viruses can survive for many centuries with numerous mutations that make them resistent to drugs. Keep a respectful distance and you can have an excellent relation with your mummy.

The True Word

Christians are people who believe in the Bible, a best selling book consisting of the Old Testament, written by ancient Jewish authors, and the New Testament, written by more modern non-Jews.
Non-Christians do not believe in the Bible. They prefer the Guinness Book of Records. hHealth Cuteslutwhore R 0 Tr 1 Cute Slut Whore .. - jokesd Cute Slut Whore oHealth Cuteslutwhore R 0 Tr 1 Cute Slut Whore .. - jokesg q White